Coconut Wine Making for Idiots

Our local grocery store had a massive 'home brew' promotion, with all the equipment one would ever need to make wine and beer.

There were books, DVDs, recipe cards and even experts; all available to give advice and instructions on wine making and home brewing.

I decided to test the experts and see how far their knowledge went so after picking up five coconuts from the fresh produce department and took them to the Customer Service Desk. I asked the lady there if I could speak with an expert from the wine department and without further ado she used the public address microphone and requested the wine department manager comes to the 'help desk'.

Simon from 'wines' promptly appeared and looking at my coconuts he asked if I was seeking recommendation of a suitable wine to go nicely with a coconut based desert.

I commented on his astute perception but informed him that it wasn't food and wine matching advice I needed but wondered if he could provide a safe method of making coconut wine as my wife had just seriously damaged both her ankles whilst trying to crush the coconuts.

His facial expressions changed several times whilst his brain tried to fathom out what I had just said. He then admitted that he didn't think that coconut wine was made in the same method as treading grapes, but apologized for not being able to help as he was the manager for bottled wines, but promised to go with me to the wine making promotion to take expert advice.

Whilst walking over to that department I explained that I had read it in a book that crushing coconuts with feet was the favoured and traditional way to extract the necessary liquids from coconuts to make wine.

Simon was open to this suggestion but thought it prudent to seek expert advice. As he approached one of the demonstrators, I retreated behind the books, pretending to browse whilst I heard him say; “Hello, I'm Simon from wines; just a quick question; is there a better way make coconut wine without breaking your ankles?”

The expert replied in astonishment; “How on earth can you break your ankles making coconut wine?”.

Simon retorted “Treading the coconuts as they do with grapes!”

The wine making expert shouted over to his colleague; “Mr Froome, the wine expert from the store is under the impression that coconut wine is made by treading the shells in bare feet”

After stuttering and stammering with embarrassment; Simon turned around to involve me and get him out of a situation that was compromising his own wine knowledge and expertise, but I was watching from afar as a vast number of bystanders thought it very funny.